So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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