Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
