And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
