Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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