What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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