Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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