I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
