my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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