Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize