Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
