Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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