I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
