nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
