oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
