i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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