I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize