My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
