His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
