he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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