please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
