Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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