I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
