I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
