I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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