you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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