I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
