So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Did I show you my penis last night?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize