so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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