I wanna bring you to show and tell
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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