Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize