nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He shit in the fireplace
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
