I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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