omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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