when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
