Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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