i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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