i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
