We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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