My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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