that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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