I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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