yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
