He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
