matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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