I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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