in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
