Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
