The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
