I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
