You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
