Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
