Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize