I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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