3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize