Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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